I have, not quite even, 16 years under my belt, so Mine may seem not as important, or as big as your guys who are of a high number, but I'm sure I will face my troubles in the future, but for now these are mine;1) Ummm, Sometime in July, 2004...Saturday I know, after the 4th...Was at the local chapter of 4H or whatever the official sponsor was horse show with my (now ex)girlfriend and her horse Holly. Set some thing on the wheel well of the trailer where she was tied, bumped part of the lead line, but paid little attention to it at the time...or the really Pissed looking horse tied next to Holly. 5 Minutes later we see people running like mad, finnally someone decides to tell us that Holly's lead untied and she took off towards the interstate. We got her back, with out any problems, but upon returning someone I'd rathe rnot name started coming down pretty har don my girl, and we've dealt with her before but for some odd reason I blew up on her this time, probably because I'm sick of her treating he rlike she doesn't know and ything and can't think, but anyway looking back at that day the two major problems that happened were both my fault....First off I should've been paying more attention to the lead line, Second I KNOW the signs of a pissed off horse looking for a fight, I shoul have recognized the signs and aske dher to move Holly to the other side of the trailler. Third, Thinking abotu it I mos tlikely could have handled the situation with the other person a bit better...most likely with out walking off claling her a B***h and almost starting a fist fight...We broke up about, 4 weeks ago, we'd been dating for a year and 5 months, and looking back now I realise my mind went into major shut down, I wasn't thinking clearly at anything, and I was "afraid" to do a lot of things for fear of offending her. I'm finding I now think clearer and have mroe confidence, BUT as a side affect from thinking clearly I now see the stupid things I did, I'm guessing this is what it's liek to wake up in the morning with a hangover and you begin remembering what happened...mainly though I'm jsut bothered by the things I could have done, and didn't, and things I shouldn't have done, but did...and this whole Horse show fiasco seems to be most prominate in my mind, for I stills trongly beleive it was my fault and If wasn't such a clumsy oafe none of it would have happened. I also think sometimes (rather unintentionally as well) what would have happened if we didn;t stop her before she fell 10 feet onto the interstate with trucks barelling by at 80-90 MPH to get a run for the hill and cars that are just going that fast for fun? How many lives would one stupid mistake have cost? How much spirit would have been broken because I inadvertadely did something to kill her horse? I dunno, that kinda turned into more then It started as, not in real good of a mood....So, sorry if that was inapproriate, and the Mod's know what to do with it.So, as apposed to 3 Big life events so far I have one big one that bother's me just about everyday anymore....the big question I need to get over right now is "What If..." and start focusing on "What was" and "What DIDN'T" Because I'm sick of trying to make What was, What is and what Will be...You can't make the past the future, although we all wish we could, for the past is familiar, and we know what happens, the future in un familiar, and we enter it with no idea of what is happening and what will happen. And pretty much we all need this sense of control, or understanding of what will happen, so I myself wound up gripping the past too tightly, tryign to hold onto it for as long a spossible, and to bring it into the here and now. I now see that in the process of holding so tightly on the past I inadverdently squeezed the life out of it, and while I though I was enjoying it, no one else was, they were ready to move on and I wasn't, as well as being I was fooling myself into beleiving Holding so tightly wa smaking me happy, where as it was still an Illusion of the Mind.
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If you're gonna send me an email, send it to JNetzlof@alltel.net Thank you!
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